i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
