I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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