he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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