remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
