1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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