i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
