i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
