you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
