Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
