just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize