I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
