Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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