Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
