Do you still have your period?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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