I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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