If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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