I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
