Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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