I'm jealous of your bromance
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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