Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
