he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
