when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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