ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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