I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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