Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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