it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
