I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
