There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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