She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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