I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
