You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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