Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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