he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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