Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you inspire me to be a worse person
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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