I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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