Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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