Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
