thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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