the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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