There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
