So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
