So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
