Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
