the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
