My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
