I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
