I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
