Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
