I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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