Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
