is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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