bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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