i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize