Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
