oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
