I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize