your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
